Radzinsky: Disappointment And Discussion

Never meet your heroes. That’s what they say. Never meet your heroes because you’ll only be disappointed.

If you’ve ever been in close contact with a famous person you’ll know what I mean. The overwhelming impression I’ve ever had from anyone famous I’ve ever encountered has always been, They look boringly normal.

And they are. Famous people. Your heroes. They’re just people and are wholly unspectacular. Except for Monica Bellucci.

But that’s another matter. Because I am here to discuss Radzinsky; the personal disappointment he produced for me and the niggling inconsistencies surrounding his time after ‘the purge’. First up, some geek-revealing history to explain myself. Way back between Season 2 and Season 3 I had a spreadsheet. Upon this spreadsheet, down the left hand side, I kid you not, was a list of all the major and minor characters that had ever been in the show we know as Lost.

Across the top of the spreadsheet were all the episodes of Lost. As such, I could cross-reference which episodes contained which characters, and how often characters had appeared. (Christian Shephard, for example, being a minor character, had way more appearances than any other minor character – which I think is kind of interesting in retrospect of how important he has become.)

Anyway, the point of me telling you all this is to explain that, despite him never having appeared, I had reserved a little slot for Radzinsky. Every episode rolled by and I left a grey blank space on the sheet next to his name. Frankly, I only put his name on there as a kind of joke and a bit of wishful thinking; I didn’t actually believe he was ever going to turn up! I thought he was going to remain as an unknown, unquantifiable enigma of cool within the Lost Universe.

Inman: “You should have seen Radzinsky do this. He had a photographic memory. I mean, this whole baby was his idea.”

This was the guy that made the Blast Door Map! That had been pushing the button for God knows how many years! He was nothing short of a superstar of Lost mythology!

And then he turned up.

To say he wasn’t what I expected would be an understatement. A shadow of the icon I pictured, “Stuart” (Stuart!?) was a major letdown. Of course, to give the creators their dues, having Radzinsky turn out to not be what I, or probably anyone, expected isn’t a bad move to make on a television programme based on surprise and dramatic revelation. And the fact that Radzinsky was a complete dick then makes it all the more sweeter that his pig-headed, dogged determination to crank up The Swan electromagnetism (probably) triggered ‘the incident’ that ultimately meant he was destined to spend the rest of his days pushing the button until eventually he couldn’t take anymore and, apparently, blew his brains out.

Karma and irony all in one.

But this all brings up nagging questions about Radzinsky from Season 5 compared to the idea of the Radzinsky we garnered from Season 2. What kind of narrative sense can we make of it?

The events of the episode The Incident took place in 1977. This was before The Swan Station was even built, so we have to assume that the place did get completed and various experiments and whatever took place there. Here’s some of the key dialogue from the Swan Orientation film:
“Station 3 was originally constructed as a laboratory where scientists could work to understand the unique electromagnetic fluctuations emanating from this sector of the island.”

“Not long after the experiments began, however, there was an incident. And since that time the following protocol has been observed: every 108 minutes the button must be pushed.”

That phrase originally constructed suggests that construction was completed. And ‘Marvin Candle’ stating that “not long after the experiments began” seems to emphasise that The Swan was at least built before ‘the incident’ happened. This is, of course, contradictory to the idea that the events in The Incident were ‘the incident’ Candle refers to.

Two points to consider.

1. ‘Marvin Candle’ isn’t being entirely truthful. Pierre Chang is lying about his name, for starters, so there’s no truthful basis being claimed in the film.

2. The events of The Incident may have indeed altered the events of history, and so the construction of The Swan and ‘the incident’ as relayed in the Swan Orientation film were a reporting of a history that Jack, Juliet and Jughead averted.

The ramifications of changing history are well-debated and maddeningly unanswered and this piece isn’t one where I intend to get involved in it. For argument’s sake I’ll propose the following narrative:

The events of The Incident occurred – the construction site going haywire, Juliet hitting Jughead – and the electromagnetic anomaly happened. After this, The Swan Station went on to be finished and experimentation began inside.
However, it was during this experimentation did the Dharma scientists realise the scale of the problem that ‘the incident’ had produced, and so abandoned their experiments and constructed the computer and timer to vent the electromagnetism that had been building up. In this way, events we have seen tally with the events 'Marvin Candle' discusses in the Swan Orientation and we can all breathe a huge sigh of consistent relief.

Why they didn’t just automate the computer, and why they had those evil-looking hieroglyphs show up, well, that’s something only the warped mentality of the Dharma Initiative can answer for.

The next major event, again elusive to our understanding, was ‘the purge’. On the surface this seems straightforward. Probably December 19th 1992 was the date and year. The date we can be sure of, as it was Ben’s birthday, but the year is a little muggy. It helps if it is around 1992, though, because then we can explain how Inman came to be a part of the Dharma Initiative and in The Swan Station after his time serving in the Gulf War.

If ‘the purge’ happened before the Gulf War then I struggle to ratify how Inman could have been recruited to the Island by a Dharma Initiative that had been wiped out. So let’s not struggle, and let’s just have ‘the purge’ happen in 1992.

So the way I see it: ‘the purge’ happened and Dharma got wiped out, and Radzinsky, with new recruit Inman, found themselves stuck alone in The Swan, pushing the button, occasionally venturing out for supplies and avoiding detection from ‘the hostiles’. Radzinsky killed himself. Desmond turned up. The rest we know.

But my last point is related to Radzinsky, the Blast Door Map, and what apparently he knew. . .

Radzinsky, as we were told, was a master when it came to drawing the Blast Door Map. He had a photographic memory. Originally this suggested that Radzinsky used to venture out of The Swan, scour the Island, and report back the details onto his invisible Blast Door Map. Like a man making a map of terrain he did not know, piece by piece. Yet we’ve seen, in Season 5, that Radzinsky was well in with the Dharma Initiative. He knew the Island. He knew about Dharma Stations.

So how come there was a Dharma Station crossed out on the map? How come there were questions about their being potential locations of particular places? There was a giant question mark in the centre of the map for God’s sake! As though Radzinsky didn’t have a clue that The Pearl was there!

I find that unthinkable. Radzinsky had his nose in all manner of business – was considered a high-ranking Dharma person to be trusted with the secret building of The Swan in hostile territory. And if Radzinsky really had no clue about The Pearl, then why was he making an invisible Blast Door Map? Who did he think could be seeing it if not people potentially viewing on monitors!?

I don’t want to belabour the point anymore. It doesn’t quite add up for me. Radzinsky’s appearance in Season 5, finally meeting the man behind the myth, turned out to be a disappointment. Like the saying goes, you should never meet your heroes.

Top 5 Worst Couples

What makes for a bad couple? In the real world you can put it down to how insufferable they are to spend time with. The kind of couple that are either forever whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears half the fucking night like simpering nitwits, or those smug weirdos that seem to have gestated from the same foetus, wearing the same clothes and having the same views and looking down their superior noses at the world. Fact is, there’s a ton of reasons why certain couples will bug the hell out of you. Shit, chances are if you’re part of a couple then someone, somewhere, hates the two of you together.

The good thing about being in a couple that everyone hates, of course, is that you at least have each other. The defining point about all of the couples on my Worst Lost Couple list is that these people don’t even have that. Not only were they not right in the eyes of everyone else, they were so not right they didn’t even manage to stay together! That’s what makes them the worst. Here are my Top 5 in order of least worst to worst worst.

Sayid and Nadia

You know that time when Jacob stopped Sayid to ask for directions? And Nadia then wandered out into the road and turned to talk to Sayid and got hit by a car and was killed? And how we all thought that potentially Jacob was a bit of a swine for having been involved in this unfortunate event? Perhaps we’ve got it all wrong. Perhaps Jacob was doing Sayid a favour.

I mean, sure, Sayid and Nadia may have been introduced as destined for one another since they’d gone to school together but come on. Is that really enough of a foundation to base a relationship? Not really. And neither, I suspect, is forming a relationship based on the torturer-tortured dynamic. If Sayid was any kind of proper Iraqi patriot he’d have dunked Nadia’s hands in acid, clamped crocodile clips to her nipples and run the volts of a car battery through her and then got to work with some amateur dentistry using pliers. She was a traitor! She was planting bombs about the place! And what does Sayid do, the dumbstruck idiot, he lets her go! He even takes a bullet for her to cover her escape! What a sucker, right?

And we’ve not got the full story about Nadia either. She fucking crops up buying a house in America, getting her ass mugged in London and may have even been working for one of Widmore’s pharmaceutical companies (special Lost points to the fan that can name the episode where I got that piece of information from).

Point is, I don’t trust her. She’s up to something, and her turning up all doe-eyed and happy when Sayid “Oceanic Payout Millionaire” Jarrah turns up doesn’t make me any less cynical.

But hey, this is all about how they are as a couple, right? Well pardon me but Sayid has hardly been a paragon of faithfulness. See exhibit A:

To be fair, this is Shannon we’re talking about. That bitch be smoking. And he was facing the possibility of being marooned on a desert Island for the rest of his life. Shacking up with a hot blonde early doors was a pretty slick move, but hardly in keeping with the idea of Sayid and Nadia as postcard heartthrobs.

Point is I don’t particularly trust Nadia and I don’t trust Sayid’s motivations for getting with her (some fucked up childhood sweetheart torturer complex is not the bedrock of a great relationship). They don’t make a good couple. Ergo, Jacob did Sayid a favour.

Charles and Eloise

The only reason this pair haven’t stormed up to a higher position in the list is purely on the basis that we haven’t been shown quite enough of them together to produce an entirely damning account of what they were all about. But what we do know is messed up enough to damn them all the same.

Let’s recap what we do know. Charles and Eloise were once young and on the Island as minor ranking members of The Others.

At some stage during this time they got together and, whilst doing so, managed to elevate themselves into some strange position of joint chiefs of The Others. (I bet there were a lot of pissed off Others who hated them as a couple right around that time!) They had some sex. Daniel was conceived. It’s unclear about whether he was born on the Island or not, but it doesn’t really make much difference here. To be fair, given the slightly protective way Charles put his hand on Eloise’s stomach just before she went off on some crazy-ass mission with Alpert and Jack, it’s clear there was some affection.

But let’s not get carried away.

It eventually transpired that Charles had been making visits off-Island to bang some other, unknown woman, that eventually produced baby Penny. We don’t know who this other woman is but it doesn’t matter (at least so far!). Charles went and got himself banished off the Island as a consequence. At some stage Eloise went and lived off-Island, too. I get the impression she was gone before Charles was banished, but that’s total speculation.

So that’s the story so far. Now the reasoning why they made for a rotten couple. First up:

“Thanks a bunch, mum.”

Yeah, Eloise is some mother. Knowing that she eventually shoots her own son she raises him up entirely in a manner than ensures he gets to the Island, fully-versed in time travelling lore, so he can get a bullet for his troubles. Widmore himself even turns up to get him on The Freighter that takes him there. Nice work, dad. Meanwhile there’s Charles making such a great fist of raising his daughter she goes behind his back to find the Island, rescue the man of her dreams and then never have anything more to do with her father again.

Parent role models they are not.

But inherently that’s their trouble. In their own twisted way I believe they aren’t fundamentally bad people when it comes to the people they love. Eloise loved Daniel, and there was a sad tragedy about how her life played out. Charles, too, evidently cares intently for his daughter to the extent that him being cut out of her life, and the life of his grandson, almost makes me feel sorry for him. And maybe that’s what went wrong with the pair of them as a couple: they cared for each other but they were just fundamentally bad at making it work.

As their bitter meeting at the end of The Variable shows, these were a couple split apart by a duty to the Island and the sacrifices they made in service to it. Somehow I get the feeling there isn’t a reconciliation on the horizon for this pair.

Boone and Shannon

I think you can already see where I’m headed with this. OK, so they weren’t properly brother and sister but they both knew it was wrong.

Come on, Boone. We know your step-sister is hot. When your mother got married and Shannon was slung into the deal you probably couldn’t believe your freakishly blue eyes. But that’s not good enough reason to sex pest the girl into bed. Shannon was a mess. Her dad was dead. Your wicked witch of a mother had denied her any rightful inheritance. And then you waltz in with your knight in shining armour headgames and she finally gives in, not altogether willingly, and you bone her. Nice.

Not that I am letting Shannon off here, either. She’d already become well-versed in the art of being a major cocktease to get what she wanted. But that’s no reason to just give in and let your lovesick, half-brother turn up and fuck you!

Fair enough if this night of passion between the two had forged a special loving relationship, forbidden as it was, where their love was so strong it could not be denied by social taboos. Only that’s not how it turned out. They bickered all the way onto Oceanic 815. Bickered some more. Then Locke told Boone to get over her, and he did, and that prompted him to get in a small plane and fall off a cliff in it and be killed. And then Shannon got all emo for a while before shagging Sayid and getting shot and killed.

Moral of the story: Don’t fuck your brother or sister, even if there’s a bit of a grey area about their sibling status and they’re really hot.

Paulo and Nikki

Riddle-me-this. Who was the most disliked out of Paulo and Nikki? Answer: Paulo.

This line of logic is relatively easy to figure. As Nikki and Paulo have been universally considered as a couple ever since the moment they appeared, they have only ever been discussed as a twosome. As in, what was the worst thing about Season 3? Nikki and Paulo. Not just Nikki. Never just Paulo. It’s always the two of them together.

So taking the point that the pair of them are universally equally disliked, how can I determine that Paulo is the most disliked? Easy. Paulo actually liked Nikki. Nikki didn’t particularly like Paulo. Ergo, Paulo is the most disliked out of the two. Poor Paulo.

To be fair I personally prefer Nikki as well, mainly because of this:

As events transpired they pretty much turned out to be the poster couple for how amorality will ruin romance. Paulo loved Nikki. Nikki loved diamonds. Paulo hid the diamonds to keep Nikki loving him. Nikki found out and left him paralysed in the jungle. As you do. Only then she got herself paralysed (potentially by some kind of Black Smoke interference, if you believe the noises you hear during that scene) and the pair of them, with their precious diamonds, were buried alive.

Fun times.

Even before they boarded Oceanic 815 Nikki had been banging some old guy and Paulo was posing as a waiter who poisoned his food – they were thieving, murderous cheats right from the get-go. A bit like Sawyer, in fact. But where Sawyer got a redemptive plot arc Paulo and Nikki came in to the game too late to ever be given a chance to right their previous wrongs on the Island.

Nikki and Paulo, even by the producers, have become the archetypal example of when Lost was at its most shite – when the programme was spinning its wheels desperate for an end-date and padding proceedings out with new ideas that weren’t always sure to work. And the ultimate kick in the face for these pair is highlighted in the promo poster for Season 6.

Look at all those old faces. Mr. Eko. Ana Lucia. Boone and Shannon, even! Even Libby gets a look-in, and she didn’t even get her own centric episode! But no Nikki and Paulo. The Lost couple so bad even the creators can’t be bothered resurrecting them from the dead for the last and final season along with pretty much every other fucker else.

Jack and Kate

Let’s get something straight right from the top. I like the idea of Jack being the leading man of Lost, and his story being a grand arc that ultimately results in him being heroic and good. Furthermore, I want him and Kate to get together and be the golden couple of the show. I am a Jater. You don’t like that? Here’s my asshole. Dine out.

Jack and Kate living together in love forever, happily ever after: That’s what I want and hope for. But what I’ve got, as of the end of Season 5, is the exact and precise opposite. Jack and Kate are a couple that went all kinds of wrong and yet because of their status, because they are the ones that should have gone every kind of right, this is why they have topped my list as Lost’s Worst Couple.

I’d like to say that the only reason they failed was because they got together in flashforward, post-Island land, when the world was an unhappy place for the Oceanic 6. I’d like to say that, but it’s not true. The seeds of an unhappy union were all present and correct back when they were on the Island.

They fell out when Jack wanted to move into the caves and Kate didn’t. . . They fell out when Kate lied to him as she tried to use him to get the silver case she wanted. . . When they first kissed in the jungle – when Kate first kissed Jack – she then backed off and left him confused. And then not long after she was clambering all over Sawyer’s dick. On CCTV. For Jack’s viewing pleasure.

Not that Jack is entirely without blame either. Consider:

Neither of them made a particularly grand job of their previous marriages either. Jack and Sarah was a lamentable slide into unhappiness, and Kate and Kevin (remember him?) was soon over, pretty much after Kate drugged him and ran off. If anything Jack and Kate deserve each other purely on the basis that they’ve been dicks to pretty much anyone they got romantically involved with in the past.

Tom Brennan, Kate’s childhood sweetheart, shot dead in a car, springs to mind.

In flashforward land Jack still fancied Kate but couldn’t quite get his head around the fact that she had nicked someone else’s baby and was passing it off as her own. He gave it a whirl, mind, but finding out that Aaron was more closely related to him than the person professing to be his mother has gotta mess with a man’s head!

Jack turned to drugs and booze. Kate started lying, making strange phone calls and keeping secret appointments. They didn’t do themselves any favours, did they? And so they fell apart and, barring one bizarre fling after Kate had ditched Aaron with his grandmother (she does like to get some hard dick during times of emotional turmoil!), they were basically the couple that should have it all and instead had royally fucked it all up.

So they’re the worst couple by default. They should be the best yet through their own actions they’ve made a disaster site of themselves and so are the worst.

Kate: “You know, I don’t like the new you. I liked the old you, who wouldn’t just sit around and wait for things to happen.”

Jack: “You didn’t like the old me, Kate.”

It all sounds pretty hopeless, all set down like this. But let’s not lose hope. Remember The Incident, when a battered and bloody Jack was hellbent on marching to The Swan site to detonate Jughead. Who was there? Kate was there. Looking to tend to him and be with him even though she thought he was getting things all wrong.

I’m telling you, they’re going to get together and it’s going to be beautiful. And when Lost is all finished and done you’ll be able to go back to the start and watch that first scene of them together, on the beach, her stitching his wound, and you’re going to realise you’re watching the start of a wonderful relationship. . .

Top 5 Best Couples

Lost has, surprisingly, given us quite a number of couples to root for, but upon what criteria am I to fashion a list of what I consider the best? It’s not an exact science, all this falling in love and staying together forever lark. But the best couple can perhaps be measured most effectively by imagining how awful it would be were they apart. Throw in factors such as the nature of their getting together, the lengths either of them have gone through to overcome whatever obstacles were in their way, and just how damn good they look and feel together on-screen I think we can arrive at a Top 5. I did. Here it is. In order of ‘least best’ to ‘best best’.

5. James and Juliet

See, I’ve always kinda liked Juliet. And I don't just mean her tits. Way back when people were slating her as a mistrustful, manipulative bitch, I got involved in online debates defending her honour and decency (FYI to those that argued against, you’re all dicks). From the moment we saw her in Not In Portland, with an ex-husband cavorting with some other woman in front of her, to how she was talked into coming to the Island under false pretences and kept there by a lovesick Ben, Juliet is a woman that has taken some hard knocks and toughened up as a result.

She’s getting some good lovin’ from Goodwin, for example, and then he goes and gets himself impaled on a skewer. And for a while it looked like she might be getting something going with Jack, only for him to backflip away towards Kate before growing a beard and hitting the hard stuff. Juliet, frankly, needed to catch a break.

And then in wanders Island-Lothario Sawyer, the one guy who has had more poontang on the Island than anyone, and the pair of them are stuck together on the beach watching the black smoke of the exploderised Freighter, and you just knew they were going to get it on. She was the only hot piece of ass left, after all. And, let's face it, those tits are worth a go.

They made for a good couple, too. Slightly hard to swallow, perhaps, but only because Sawyer became some kind of new man back in the 1970s, turning up with flowers back at his cosy house whilst Juliet played the good housewife.

It all felt too good to be true and, on Lost, that kind of situation don’t last. I didn’t doubt Juliet’s sincerity, mind, but as is usual for her she can’t catch a good man for love nor money. Kate comes rocking up from the future no less and messes up everything. I mean come on. You’ve gotta count yourself as pretty unlucky in love when the only woman that can take your man away is a fucking time traveller. And so it’s because of Sawyer’s dumb devotion to Kate and him unable to know he’s got a good thing right under his nose that relegates these two to least best couple on Lost.

As a punchline, Sawyer of course realised that it was Juliet he rather liked after all. Yeah, when she was about to be sucked into an electromagnetic abyss, that’s when his realisation kicked in. I’m sure the eye-rolling, should’ve-known-better irony of that wasn’t lost on Juliet as she slammed a rock into a hydrogen bomb.

Men are pigs.

4. Daniel and Charlotte

OK, so they didn’t really make it as a full-blown couple. I mean, there are hurdles to overcome in any courtship, for sure, but some hurdles – such as flipping around in time until your brain bleeds out of your nose – are hard to get around no matter how much you love someone.

That's the kind of expression on a woman's face that's gonna kill your hard-on, for sure.

But if the measure of a good couple is to be based on the devastation of them being apart then few can match these two. Well, Daniel, anyway. He went off the rails so much so that he decided that whatever happened, happened was a crock of shit and, yeah, for sure, he could fucking go change history and alter the course of the universe after all.

Remember Superman: The Movie? When Lois Lane died in her car during an earthquake and Superman got all pissed off and went and flew around the world backwards really fast and made it turn the other way and reverse time so he could save her after all? Daniel's reaction was a bit like that. Only a bit more realistic. (But not by much.)

The trouble with these two is that they weren’t really given chance on-screen. Season 4 was the one where Daniel’s quiet affection for Charlotte was shown through, and her coy knowing of it was quietly charming. But it was hard to give that interplay justice when the whole season had been cut short by the writer’s strike so giving the new characters about five minutes per episode to make their presence felt.

So I am basing this reasonably decent showing in the best couple stakes purely on the basis of what they would have been had they both, you know, not been killed. And hey, this is Lost. For all we know they could come back somehow. A bit of time jiggery-pokery there, some Island-healing here, and before you know it they’re the king and queen of the Island living and dying happily together to end up buried in caves with a black and white stone each.

Who are the skeleton cave couple? Chaniel! Hey, don’t write it off. Stranger shit has happened.

3. Bernard and Rose

These two should have had it sewn up. Best couple on Lost? No problem. These two have their own little picture beside the word ‘devotion’ in the dictionary. From Rose sitting apart from the group in the very early episodes, convinced Bernard was not dead, to the eager look of unending gratitude in Bernard’s eyes when Sawyer told him Rose was still alive (a moment that still chokes me up like a big sissy bitch) these two were a quietly epic love story.

Their reunion, when the fragmented remains of the tail section group made it to the beach camp, was a glorious moment.

And then Lost went and ruined everything. It went and gave them their own flashback episode - S.O.S. - and it was a massive pile of retarded shit. Before this episode we were all sold on the idea that Bernard and Rose had been together forever. You tell me they were childhood sweethearts, I’m totally on board. Indeed, it was the very idea that they had been together for years that made their being apart on the Island all the more heartbreaking.

And then S.O.S. pitched up with the ‘revelation’ that they had met only shortly before the crash, having rushed through a wedding because Rose was dying of cancer. There’s a semblance of romance to that, I’ll grant you, but frankly the story of Bernard having been married to Rose his whole life and, stricken by the thought of losing her to cancer, arranged a trip to the spiritual healer in Australia makes for a better story. Rose lying to Bernard, telling him it had worked, would have been even more bittersweet.

That would have been love. Proper, grown-up, deeper than most ever know about love. They could have taken every emotion the audience had about these two as a couple and put it through the wringer and had us all sobbing buckets in our homes with that episode. Instead they cheaped out, and diminished their worth. (Don’t even get me started on how dumb it was that they were a part of the expedition to get rescued at the end of Season 3 when they both knew leaving the Island was a death sentence for Rose and they had vowed to remain there no matter what.)

That they were last seen happily forging a life together is, at least, some redemption. Content to see out the rest of their days together, with Vincent, regardless of whatever nuclear detonations might be lurking round the corner. Now that’s love!

The pair of them look like they could use a good wash, mind. Love may be blind but, when it comes to these two, it appears it's also lost its sense of smell.

2. Desmond and Penny

Probably if it wasn’t for Season 5 these two might have nicked the top spot (you can probably figure who has got it by now). Possibly it’s because the two episodes Desmond and Penny have primarily featured in (Flashes Before Your Eyes and The Constant) are two of Lost’s very best which prompts them to be so endearing.

Desmond’s devotion to Penny does strive towards something immense. The guy set out to win a round the world boat race to win her hand, for God’s sake! No flowers, chocolates or poetry for this guy! Oh no! And when it came to turning the Fail Safe, potentially the end of his life, his last words were, “I love you, Penny.” The guy was so enthralled with this woman his dying word was her name. Man, he's got it bad.

Except he didn’t die, and instead his consciousness went back in time and provoked a semi-tragic story of a man doomed to repeat the mistakes of his past as he succumbed to the fate he knew awaited him and spurned Penny’s hand in marriage, condemning himself to the Island and pressing that bloody button. His mournful lament to go back once he returned to the Island is, frankly, one of the most profoundly despairing moments Lost has ever given us.

But the real cementing of Desmond and Penny reaching top flight status as Lost’s premier couple was in the creation of a whole new romantic term:

What does one Lost fan say to the Lost fan they love?

“You are my Constant.”

Aww. A bit geeky, obviously, but worthy of an awwww all the same. I actually tucked the phrase into my wedding speech, believe it or not. Absolutely no one knew what the fuck I was talking about, of course, but I didn't care. This expression of affection is borne out of Desmond’s saving declaration, nominating Penny as his Constant – the one and only thing in the whole universe that completes his heart and is capable of preventing the space-time continuum of his consciousness from collapsing in on itself.

To be fair, that says a lot more than flowers and a box of chocolates ever will.

That memorable exchange on the phone during The Constant, with the pair of them quickly exchanging their undying, unyielding will to get back to each other is real sweep you off your feet stuff. Again, it’s another one of those scenes that provokes the lump-in-throat, something in my eye ridiculousness of being reduced to an emotional mess by little more than some actors on a television screen.

There are some flies in the ointment, mind. Whilst Desmond was in prison Penny went and met another guy and got engaged. We still don’t know who she got engaged to (or quite what she did with him before she decided to spend her time hunting for Desmond’s whereabouts on the Island). But perhaps the bigger problem facing Desmond and Penny, and denying them the top spot, is the sense that they’ve got nowhere else to go. . .

As of the end of Season 5 they were pretty much out of the picture. Shacked up on a boat, looking after baby Charlie, Desmond had a brief dalliance with the main plot but his last pledge to Penny, after he had been shot, was to stay the hell out of all Island-related business. As far as I know, for all I know, we may never see or hear from those two again. That means their story is done, and if that’s the case then the romantic grandeur they began with has slowly trickled away into a gentle sigh rather than an orgasmic moan. Ironically, if they hadn't got together they would probably be at number one. Like I said, if it wasn’t for Season 5 they might have nicked the top spot. . .

1. Jin and Sun

Lost’s first couple and, after all these years, still its best.

It took a while for us to warm to them, mind. Jin having his hands all bloody and Sun admitting that she was going to leave him before they boarded Oceanic 815 didn’t exactly make them perfect couple material. But then there was the phonetic book gift scene in Season 1. . .

I’m sure you remember it. It was after they had had a major bust-up after Jin found out Sun could speak English, and Jin was all set to go on the raft and leave her behind. Sun finally made a move to speak to him before he left, to give him a book she had made that would help him speak some rudimentary English to Michael and Sawyer. And it was with that gesture Jin admitted he still loved her, always had in fact, and he was only going on the raft to try and get help so he could save her. Bam! Not a dry eye in the house!

I'm a grown man. It's downright embarrassing what an emotional mess that scene makes out of me. Do your dignity a favour: if you can't watch it alone, make sure the lights are off!

Of course, when discussing how Jin and Sun are the first couple of Lost, we don’t mention this piece of shit scumbag.

He had his chance. He blew it. And then he came back after the fact when Sun was taken and decided he wanted some after all. Son of a bitch. At least he had the decency to kill himself.

God I fucking hate Jae Lee.

Since then however, triggered by the moment of intense gratitude Sun felt when she learned that her unborn child was definitely Jin’s (despite it meaning a death sentence) their love has been beyond reproach. As I said at the top, a couple’s importance to one another can be measured by how dreadful it is that they are apart. The poor bastards haven’t seen each other for years, and as of the end of Season 5 they’re in different bloody timeframes. But perhaps it’s that lack of conclusion is what keeps them at the top – above the likes of Desmond and Penny. The story of Jin and Sun isn’t over yet, and the hoped-for reuniting we are all waiting for is just one element that keeps us glued to our screens.

No question they’re Lost’s best couple. If Lost even considers not putting them back together forever by the show’s end then it will be nothing short of an outrage. An outrage I tell you! Just think of little Ji Yeon!