The Hatch Rant

Locke and Boone discovered a metal hatch buried under the ground. (The fact that the hatch was buried when there was a perfectly good back door left completely accessible is a subject for another rant, another day.) Subsequently, Locke and Boone set about trying to open this hatch.

Boone: "A hatch, buried in the dirt."

Shannon: "Like a door?"

Boone: "Yes, Shannon, that's what a hatch is."

Spot on, Boone. However, from these worthy beginnings it all begins to unravel. As word of "the hatch" spreads it becomes a term used in a misplaced fashion. First prime example: Jack, Kate, Locke and Hurley are trekking back from the Black Rock laden with dynamite. Hurley asks Locke, "What do you think is inside the hatch?" Locke's answer is "Hope", but a correct answer would be: "A small square of thick glass."




This is the beginning of the end. From here on in this business with "the hatch" gets real ugly.

"Tell me again why we're doing this here when there's a dryer in the hatch?" / "What happened in the hatch, Kate?" / "Do you think Aaron and I could stay in the bedroom in the hatch for a while?" / "Locke said that he left you in the hatch when he went to hide the guns. . ."

Perhaps those not attuned to the hideous quality of calling The Swan Station "the hatch" don't see what all the fuss is about. (This being the case for you, probably you're the type of person who doesn't wince when people use double-negatives unwittingly. Safe to say, I do.) So let me try and clarify exactly how clumsy this use of language is.

Picture a room. Picture a room that is empty except for a single chair in the centre of it. Upon this chair sits a man. We'll call him Desmond. Desmond sits on a chair in this room. Picture that. Now start to back out of this room. You exit through a door and close the door behind you. Now outside there are two men stood talking. The first man asks the other, "Do you know where Desmond is?" And the second man replies, "Yes. He's in the door."

Utterly retarded, no? That's how non-sensical referring to the Swan Station as "the hatch" is.

If 'Save the cheerleader, save the world' became the idiot mantra for the Heroes crowd during their season one, what did we Lost fans get: 'What's in the hatch?' As Locke said (in the Pearl Station that was discovered beneath the Pearl Hatch), "Well, I'm suddenly feeling very stupid."

Look, if Swan Station is too much of a mouthful, just call it The Swan. "Tell me again why we're doing this here when there's a dryer in the Swan?" / "What happened in the Swan, Kate?" / "Do you think Aaron and I could stay in the bedroom in the Swan for a while?" / "Locke said that he left you in the Swan when he went to hide the guns. . ."

There! See! It doesn't hurt, does it? And such extra care would have avoided the resulting travesty of Lost prop work. In Season 3 we were led, inexorably, to the ultimate abomination of Lost hatch atrocity.



The horror is complete. The Looking Glass Hatch! The error becomes real and final.

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