Top 5 Hot Women

I'm not going to apologise for this. You can cry ‘sexist pig!’ until you’re blue in the face. You can berate me with claims of ‘misogynistic bias’ all you want. Fact is I’m a hot-blooded guy that likes women. I think about sleeping with them a lot. I don’t think I’m unique in this respect. And the good news is that Lost has presented many a fine specimen of woman for me to ogle – and so here, without apology or restraint, are my Top 5 Lost women I would most like to have sex with, in order of appearance. With pictorial evidence.

Shannon Rutherford

It was a dark day when they killed “sticks” off. I’ve gotta tell you, if you twisted my arm up behind my back and demanded I have sex with one, and only one, of the Lost women (a rather unlikely scenario, I grant you) then I’d pick Shannon. Aside from the her obvious qualities. . .

. . . there’s something quite sensuous about her. You can see why Boone wanted to have a go on her, despite the confusion their semi-sibling status created. Despite her selfishness and bitchiness (which were all just a front anyway!) she still retained that important air of vulnerability whilst dripping with sexual chemistry.

I was almost as gutted as Sayid when she got killed off.

Kate Austen

The first lady of Lost, there was no way Kate was ever going to be off this list. Her beautiful doll-like features matched by what can only be described as a sensational body. The guys making the show knew this from the start, and were quick to show Kate’s assets off right from the very beginning in the Pilot episode.

Since then we’ve seen plenty of shots of Kate in her knickers, or in that wonderful dress The Others gave her that clung in all the right places, or in a tight vest running around the jungle getting all grubby whilst being a bit of an action-girl. Still, for all her tomboy qualities, there’s no doubting she scrubs up nicely!

Sun Kwon

Now whilst Shannon may be my number one for Lost girls that I’d most like to get down ‘n’ dirty with, when it comes to Lost women I’d like to spend the rest of my life with then Shannon doesn’t get a look in. No. That ring on my finger is reserved for one Lost lady: Sun Kwon.

It’s not just because she’s got that whole ‘subservient wife’ vibe going on (well, she did at the start). It’s more because she’s got dignity (except for when she’s sleeping with other men) and poise, she knows how to cook and grow things and, let’s face it, if I was faced with her waiting in my bed every night then the world couldn’t ever be a particularly bad place.

She’s quietly one of the most stunning of the Lost ladies, but was content to keep her assets under wraps for quite some time – mainly because Jin made her do her buttons up all the time. But then there was that glorious moment of awakening, when Sun liberated herself from Jin’s oppression and, in doing so, liberated herself of her clothes.

In that wonderful moment of her emancipation, I quietly thought to myself: Goddamn it I’d love to fuck her senseless.

Penny Widmore

It’s not because she’s British, with that clipped English Rose accent. And it’s not because she’s got money and so, would I to get with her, also be getting involved in a wealthy lifestyle. It’s not even because of her romantic endurance to Desmond, going above and beyond all measures to get him back. No, whilst all those are, indeed, admirable qualities, they are not the reason Penny makes the Top 5.

The reason she’s in my Top5 is because she’s got those sensational tits that I would like to bury my cock in.



I apologise if that offends you, or makes you think less of me. But, evidently, I’m not sorry enough to actually retract the statement. And if you thought that was bad, you don’t realise what I’d like to do to. . .

Nikki Fernandez



Much has been said about how Nikki, and Pablo, were surplus to requirements on the show. Sure, there’s some good cases for why that was the case. But let’s be honest – no other Lost woman was going to take on a scene like this and do it justice.

That little sequence, that little glittery bikini, completely justified Nikki for me. That and her running around the Island in her jiggly vest top and tight denim shorts. How the hell she failed to attract Sawyer’s attention so much so that he didn’t even know who she was until after she had died is perhaps one of the biggest plot holes the show has ever produced!

So, that's my five. But, just for the sake of rounding things off neatly, here's a collection of some of those lovely ladies that, for whatever reason, didn't make the cut. Needless to say, I'd happily bang any or all of them.

Season 5 Trailer

So here's the first trailer, and our first look, at Lost Season 5.

It's not exactly overwhelming with its information - but then a promo that gave too much away would be kind of annoying.

Interesting points concerned Kate apparently all keen to take Aaron with her (back to the Island, or is this her running away from the plan of Jack and Ben's to get everyone back to the Island?). And the notion that everyone on the Island would die if he didn't go back is an interesting one (at least it gives Jack and the O6 motivation!).

Faraday briefly popped up, at first glimpse he seemed to be in a Dharma Station? Potentially the Swan, which means it's no longer a big hole in the ground. And the brief shot of the drug plane back up on the cliff, perhaps falling like it did when Boone was in it, has got me excited. I like it when established locations and sites are re-visited and given a fresh angle! Both of these suggest that the Island has been 'reset' to a previous time. . .

Anyway, those were just my impulse reactions to seeing it. There's nothing much to draw of value. It's just new glimpses of Lost. For a Lost fan, with such a long wait still remaining, every little morsel is worth sampling.

Ignorance Of The Swan

An issue that has had certain quarters of the rabid Lost fans enveloped with consternation was the revelation that Ben, and The Others, had no idea about The Swan Station, pushing the button and Desmond before the crash of Oceanic 815. For many Lost fans this is impossible to accept. Their arguments range from the capacity to monitor The Swan, to Ben growing up with Dharma (with a father that had a Swan Station logo on his jumpsuit) and the sheer plausibility of The Others, on their Island, having no clue about such a major function taking place.

I can appreciate the concern. I’m a Lost fan, too. As rabid they come. But if I’m told that this state of affairs is the way of it then my Lost-fanatical brain has to come up with a way to make it make sense. I shall attempt to do that here. First, the offending article itself. The link to the full transcript of the podcast is here:

http://www.lostpedia.com/wiki/Official_Lost_Podcast_transcript/March_20,_2007



I’ve taken the liberty of taking out the key pieces of the transcript below, edited for brevity. (Note that this podcast aired during Season 3, at a point just before the Expose episode was due to be broadcast.)

Carlton Cuse: “The Others or Hostiles know about the Swan Station and about the number pushing, or does it not matter to them if it imploded?” I think this is a fair question to answer.

Damon Lindelof: I don't think they knew about the existence of the Swan Station. For one, Kelvin is down there continuing to push the button, even before Desmond comes, well after we know that this purge allegedly occurred. And The Others have completely left him alone.

Carlton Cuse: It might make some certain amount of sense, too, that if there was an incident in the Swan station, and there was this electromagnetic anomaly, and this sort of Chernobyl kind of circumstance there, the DHARMA guys wouldn't probably want a lot of other people to know about it. I mean, it would be a definite need-to-know basis, wouldn't it? Let's say I think their [The Others] knowledge of the Swan was pretty limited. And I think that when Ben came over there and saw that these people [the Losties] were pushing a button every 108 minutes, I think his skepticism was genuine.

So there you have it. The Others had no idea about the Swan Station before the crash of Oceanic 815. And when Ben was captured and taken there, posing as Henry Gale, he was genuinely doubtful that the act of pushing the button did anything of value at all. You may ask, How can that be? Well, let me take a run at convincing you how.



First, let’s to go the time of Dharma, when Ben was a boy and his father, Roger, was a workman wearing a Swan Station jumpsuit. In the grand pecking order of Dharma he was about as low as it gets. And as Cuse above states, The Swan Station functioned on “a definite need-to-know basis”. So Roger was simply given overalls bearing the Swan logo and either fed a false story about what it signified, or given no information at all. Even if Ben had bothered to ask his dad about The Swan he would have been given no indication of what it was really about.

Yet, as a boy, Ben was all set on running away and turning his back on Dharma. We have no idea how frequently Ben stayed in touch with Richard Alpert and ‘the hostiles’ between his first meeting and the eventual ‘purge’, but it’s a fair bet that Ben took little interest in Dharma’s activities in the meantime. He formed a belief they were entirely pointless. That’s crucial in understanding Ben’s ignorance of the matter.



Following that line of reasoning, after the ‘purge’ and ‘the hostiles’ took over (a group that would, also, have had absolutely no respect or interest in Dharma) then it stands to reason that they were disinterested in anything Dharma were up to. But, you may ask, wouldn’t ‘the hostiles’ have scoured the whole Island to track down, hunt and kill every last Dharma member? Wouldn’t they have made sure that there were no Dharma people left in Stations tucked around the Island?

Well, no. Why would they? They got most of them. They took control of the Island. If there were a few stragglers around they either wouldn’t last long or could be tolerated. Like Danielle, for example. 16 years she was left to herself. The Others didn’t bother her so long as she didn’t bother them. (Well, apart from nicking her kid!) And there is evidence that there were some Dharma people left over (think of the body in the Pearl suit spotted in the polar bear cave) but, apart from Radzinsky and Inman, it appears none of them lasted very long – but that story is probably due to be shown during Season 5.



So far so good? OK then. Let’s tackle the surveillance problem. The problem is The Swan Station can be viewed from The Pearl. Now if we are to believe that Ben and The Others were unaware of Desmond and Inman in The Swan, it also means they have to be unaware of The Pearl, too. Some people struggle with that idea. I can see why. What we have to assume is that The Others don’t go tramping around that side of the Island very much. (To be fair, with a Black Smoke and polar bears running around the place, and Rousseau’s booby traps, The Others sticking to their side of the Island is probably not a bad idea.)

But what about Mikhail in The Flame? He could see The Pearl, right? Well, no. It was only when Sayid switched the monitor on was visibility permitted. (A feed that Mikhail quickly shut off, it ought to be noted.)



See, we have to figure Ben and The Others were unaware of The Swan Station, and The Pearl, because otherwise they would have had to wonder where Desmond came from. For about three years Desmond’s yacht was moored in a cove on the Island’s coastline – but The Others never saw that either. The facts of the matter all point towards the idea that The Others never strayed past their side of the Island. (Think of Tom telling Jack that there was a dividing line that should not be crossed; The Others have all they need on their side and don’t care about the other half.)



The crash of Oceanic 815 changed all that. Suddenly a whole bunch of people crashed on the other side of the Island and Ethan was sent to check them out. Not only do they have a pregnant woman (Claire), they have a ‘special boy’ (Walt), a walking miracle (Locke) and, amazingly, a spinal surgeon (Jack). Learning all this, Ben formulates a plan. . . Consider the scene from Expose, where Ben and Juliet are in The Pearl, checking out Jack in The Swan.

Ben: “Who left this [the Pearl hatch] open?

Juliet: “Tom was down here a couple of days ago.”

Ben: “Have him cover it up with the plane.”

We know Tom will have been checking out this side of the Island. Probably he discovered The Pearl and what was contained within. Then he reports back to Ben that the Oceanic people have found a Dharma Station, and the guy they need to do the spinal surgery seems to spend a lot of his time there.

Juliet: “Why are we doing this? Shephard will never agree to do the surgery.”

Ben: “No, I can convince him to do it.”

Juliet: “How?”

Ben: “Same way I get anybody to do anything. I find out what he’s emotionally invested in, and I exploit it.”

To make his plan work, I believe Ben gets himself captured and taken to The Swan Station where he can check the place out for the first time (with “skepticism”, as Cuse stated) and make observations about Jack; the man he is and what he’s emotionally invested in.



You may recall the incident when Locke was trapped beneath the blast door and Ben (posing as Henry) went to the computer and entered the code. Why would he do that if he thought it was useless? Well, he was trying to earn Locke’s trust at the time. So he played along. But the moment his scheme was rumbled – when the real Henry Gale’s I.D. was found – Ben tried to get Locke to lose faith in the button. Ben told Locke it was useless and that pushing it changed nothing. In short, Ben tried to get Locke to think like he did.

Dismiss Dharma. Ignore everything they stand for. Find belief in the Island.

I hope so far I’ve done a good job in portraying a way of things that can plausibly explain The Others’ ignorance of The Swan. By no means am I affirming that this is definitive, but so long as it’s convincing enough then it does the job. I’ll wrap this up with the one last major argument regarding Ben and Dharma: The Orchid Station.

The argument is as follows. Ben knows everything about The Orchid Station and what goes on there. How could he be so knowledgeable of that Station and be completely ignorant about The Swan? It’s a fair argument. Only, as we’ve established, Dharma kept The Swan Station a secret on a “need-to-know” basis. And as we have seen by the greenhouse ‘front’ above The Orchid, that Station was also shrouded in secrecy, too. The difference is Ben had a reason to go to The Orchid and understand about that part of the Island: the donkey wheel.



It should be remembered that the ‘donkey wheel room’ was underneath The Orchid. Dharma built over it, and covered it up. By the hieroglyphics in the room there’s the strong suggestion that the wheel there pre-dates Dharma. Perhaps Alpert and the original ‘hostiles’ put it there? In which case they would know it was there, and know Dharma built a Station there. And since it contained the capacity to move the Island it was essential that the likes of Ben were aware of The Orchid Station and, more importantly, what lay beneath it.

Ben did dismiss The Orchid Station itself as just another of Dharma’s “silly experiments”. Whilst he knew how to blow up The Vault he gave no indication that he valued anything that went on there, which has been the common thread of Ben’s thinking for everything that Dharma was involved with. So whilst at first glance his actions with The Orchid may seem in conflict with his dismissal of Dharma he’s actually portrayed nothing contradictory at all.

The Others –‘hostiles’ and Ben alike – can be said to hold a view that the Island is like a marvelous wall they admire and revere. Dharma are like graffiti on that wall; marring and defacing it. All The Others do is ignore the graffiti, whatever messages it may hold, and continue to focus only on the wall. Potentially, their ignorance might be their biggest mistake. We can be sure they never banked on Desmond and a certain Fail Safe switch, after all. . .

How Widmores Know More

I started this piece with one question in mind. Attempting an answer to that question led me to a rather splendid revelation. So whilst the initial question may seem a bit dull, stick with me – it takes us somewhere very interesting. The question was this: How is it Widmore knew where the Island was when he sent The Freighter there?

Widmore sent The Freighter to capture Ben, that much we eventually learned. But what we never knew is how he knew the location of the Island. Deeper still, how is it Widmore knew that Oceanic 815 had crashed there? I am assuming he staged the fake Oceanic 815 crash site to deter searches for the real Oceanic 815 that may have inadvertently found his precious Island before he did. But how did he know?

Let me take a run at bridging this chasm of ignorance.

The first issue is how Widmore knew the location of the Island. We know that Penny knew how to find the Island since her Listening Post picked up the electromagnetic anomaly that occurred when Desmond turned the Fail Safe in the Swan Station at the end of Season 2.

That’s how Penny knew where the Island was. But how did Charles Widmore find out? You could take the view that Penny is working with her father and informed him of her findings. Hold that thought for now. However, there was something interesting about the scene in Season 4, There’s No Place Like Home, when Penny found the Oceanic 6 (and Des and Frank) in the ocean. . .

Think back to the Listening Post. There were two men there, speaking Portuguese to each other and playing chess, when the electromagnetic anomaly registered. These men were called Henrik and Mathias.

Now what was intriguing about Penny finding Desmond and the rest during There’s No Place Like Home was that only Henrik was there. There was no sign of Mathias.

Is it possible that Mathias was a spy? Is it possible he turned traitor to Penny and told Widmore what he had discovered at the Listening Post and revealed his true allegiance? Or maybe Widmore just got to him, beat the information out of him and killed him? Either way it’s an explanation. A relatively simple and easy explanation as to how Widmore knew the location of the Island. He found out via Penny. But wait. Hold up. This presents another key question:

How did Penny know that she had to look for an electromagnetic pulse to reveal the location of the Island that would lead her to Desmond? As bizarre it is that Widmore knew Oceanic 815 crashed on the Island, how did Penny know that Desmond ended up there?

Seriously, these Widmores have both shown the capacity to know of things they really have no right knowing. So now I’m heading into uncharted theoretical territory to attempt some form of explanation. Hang on tight for this one. I believe Penny and Charles both knew about the Island, and Oceanic 815, because Desmond told them all about it before he went there.

Yeah. You read that right. Now let me explain myself.

We have already seen Desmond, during his time on the Island, travel back in time to his life before the Island. The episode Flashes Before Your Eyes was all about this. Now imagine if, in that episode, Desmond had told Penny that he had set off on a yacht race that her father arranged. During that race he had somehow wound up on an Island, pushing a button every 108 minutes. Then there was a plane crash – Oceanic 815 – that also arrived there, bringing with it people that caused him to eventually stop pressing the button that resulted in a massive electromagnetic pulse that knocked his consciousness back in time.

I know that Desmond didn’t tell Penny, or Charles, this, but imagine if he had! We would then have a reasonable explanation as to how Penny and Charles know the things they know. We would understand why Penny set up a listening post to look for a sizeable electromagnetic pulse. We would understand how Charles knew to stage a fake Oceanic 815 crash site once the real Oceanic 815 went missing. They would know because, as I said, Desmond told them all about it before he went there.

The more I consider this, the more I feel like it has to be the way of it. What’s more, I think I already know the period of time when it happened. Desmond’s already given us a clue, back in the episode Catch-22.

Desmond described the time he met Brother Campbell. He stated that he woke up in the street with no idea how he got there, and standing over him was Brother Campbell who took him into the monastery and etc, etc. The important part, for me, is Desmond waking up in the street with no idea how he got there. We’ve got some lost time unaccounted for here, and a potential time slot when ‘future Desmond’s consciousness’ could have jumped into Desmond’s brain and taken over for a while – just like he did in Flashes Before Your Eyes.

Now, of course, I can’t tell you when or how this happens. It might occur when, for whatever reason, Desmond is travelling back to the Island. It may happen if he gets involved in some kind of Faraday/Dharma purple ray exposure. I don’t know. What seems certain is that Desmond, at some stage in the future, will travel back in time to a point before he even met Penny.

So here’s the proposal. Just before Desmond woke up in the street and encountered Brother Campbell, his future consciousness took over. This consciousness went and found Charles Widmore and told him all about the yacht race that brought him to the Island, about the crash of Oceanic and the EM pulse. Possibly Desmond told Widmore all this in the hope that Widmore would never stage the yacht race at all. But, of course, Widmore would. It was his new best chance of finding the Island!

Charles would engineer it so that Desmond went to a monastery by having Campbell there to collect him when his ‘current consciousness’ came back (so Desmond could learn the discipline of solitary confinement that would serve him well for his years in the Swan Station). Charles would send his daughter to the monastery to meet Desmond and kindle their love. He would deny Desmond his daughter’s hand in marriage to set him on a course to join the army, and eventually take on the yacht race to win Widmore’s respect. (This also explains Widmore’s uncharacteristic kindness to Desmond in supplying Penny’s address during The Constant - it was just Widmore ensuring events occurred as he wanted them to.)

How did Penny know to set up the Listening Post? Well, maybe she is working with Widmore on some level. Maybe she doesn’t know the full extent of Widmore’s history with the Island, and she certainly knew nothing of The Freighter, but maybe Widmore told her just enough to keep her interested and involved in Desmond’s fate to ensure events played out as he wanted them to.

So that’s what. That’s where I got to from that one simple question about how Widmore knew about the Island. It’s elaborate, I know, but the logic and the ‘lost time’ of Desmond fits altogether too snugly for me to easily disregard it. Pertinently, and ironically, time will tell if I am right, or even close to right.

Lost ARG 2008 - Part 16

The testing is over. Now the waiting begins. http://www.dharmawantsyou.com/ has this message displayed on it site.

(Click to enlarge)




So, apparently nothing until Dec 15th. Don't know if that's the truth, but I like to think it is. Gives the ARG chance to re-group and plan out a more intriguing run-in to the airing of Season 5 this way. But, you know, fear not: I'll be keeping my eyes peeled on all my various sources to keep tabs on any potential changes or happenings and, as ever, as soon as I know the full details I'll relay it here for you.

In the meantime,I can get back to doing more regular non-ARG Lost posts. Namaste to that, motherfuckers!

The 815 Killer

First, take a look at this excellent, and amusing, comic strip. (You may have to click on it to read it clearly and I should point out that I in no way had anything to do with its creation.)






Putting aside the undoubted intentional joke at the crux of this comic strip, it does actually propose an interesting notion that has also occurred to me. Namely: Was Sayid responsible for the murder of Locke (a.k.a Jeremy Bentham)?

I won't belabour the point too much, but allow me to present the evidence. Firstly, as we know, Sayid is working for Ben as his assassin. So when I say Sayid killed Locke, I mean that he was instructed to do so by Ben. (How Ben gets Sayid to agree to something like that is a big ask; but it's not something I would put beyond Ben's manipulative skills.)

But let's make some assumptions.

Assumption Number 1: Ben wants to return to the Island.

Assumption Number 2: Ben requires all of the Oceanic 6 to return to the Island to allow him back.

Assumption Number 3: Locke's death is the single event that allows Ben the potential to unite and return the Oceanic 6 back to the Island. . . and therefore get back there himself.

I guess you can see where I am coming from here. What I am saying is Ben has motive. Locke's death allows him reason to meet with Jack and propose they work together to get the rest back to the Island. I believe Sayid is on this as well. Consider the conversation he had with Hurley when he met him at the Santa Rosa and persuaded him to come with him after he announced that "Bentham" was dead.

SAYID: This isn't a visit. I want you to come with me.

HURLEY: Come with you where?

SAYID: Somewhere safe.

HURLEY: And why would I go anywhere with you? I haven't seen you in, like, forever.

SAYID: Because circumstances have changed.

HURLEY: What circumstances?

SAYID: Bentham's dead.

HURLEY: What?

SAYID: Two days ago.

HURLEY: What happened?

SAYID: They said it was suicide.

HURLEY: What do you mean, they "said" it was suicide? And why are you calling him "Bentham"? His name is-

SAYID: Don't say it. We're being watched.

Sayid's remarks about how he knew it wasn't suicide might be as obvious an indication as he knows it wasn't because he was the one that killed him. But like I said, I don't want to belabour the point. All I will say is that if Season 5 tries to heighten the mystery of 'Who Killed Locke?' as it's major reveal-in-waiting then it becomes more likely that a key character will be directly implicated.

All I'll say is, if turns out to be Sayid, then probably you read it here first!

Lost ARG 2008 - Part 15

Test 7: The Honesty and Integrity Test

For those that don’t know the contents and outcomes of the latest test, I’ll let Hans himself explain what Test 7 is all about. . .



So what have we learned from this film?

Number One: The ‘cheats’ within the previous tests were all a part of Dharma’s testing procedure.

Number Two: Hans Van Eeghen was Black Swan all along.

Number Three: Those that cheated are in Dharma’s bad books, and those that didn’t are not.

As anyone who has been following my progress here knows already, I am one such cheating bastard and as such, when I went to check on ‘My Progress’ I found I had been lumped into the Black Swan group. I know that those who did not cheat have merrily found themselves in the White Swan group.

Personally it seems to me the non-cheats have been rewarded for their ignorance. That is the more casual ARG player has been told they are in the 'better' group, but the chances are that the only reason they did not cheat is because they paid no attention to the hidden Black Swan messages and the litany of clues and research that the web was pouring over.

Part of me wonders if this isn't another bluff along the way to reveal the cheating Black Swan group are actually the better candidates. Personally, I would hope so, as it would be a fairer reward for those that put more effort into tackling this game. And I would also hope so since, by default, it would then put me as one of the better candidates!

None-the-less I have rather enjoyed this latest twist. It’s easily the best surprise the game has produced so far and gives me a little more confidence about the next ‘phase’ of the game that will kick in soon. Quite what the fact that I am a Black Swan means for my progression, I don’t know, but I’ll keep it all logged down here. (And I’ll also be keeping my beady eye on tracking the progress of those pesky White Swans to record what they’re involved in that I’m not!)

Namaste, as the saying goes.

Dharma Employment Opportunities

The Dharma Initiative have job vacancies in the following positions for your perusal.

The Swan

Description: Entering a code into a computer every 108 minutes (colloquially known as 'pushing the button') with a fellow Dharma employee. Successful candidates will be domestically trained in cooking, cleaning and self-administering intravenous drugs. Free gym membership. Optional opportunity for map design work available under limited lighting conditions.

The Arrow - Closed for renovations.

The Staff

Description: Providing emergency medical attention for induced pregnancies and caring for those expectant, and expecting-to-die, mothers in the concealed hospice area. For the more creative employee there are opportunities for decorating nurseries and creating theatrical costumes.

The Pearl

Description: Making notes in a notebook on the actions of Dharma employees in The Swan Station that are being secretly monitored. Once notebook is full, post into tube and repeat. Candidates are assured this is an incredibly important function. Ideal for couch potatoes and telly addicts. En suite facilities provided.

The Hydra (Cages)

Description: Care for our polar bears with regular attention to cleaning their cages and keeping their fish biscuit supplies stocked. High-fliers may have the opportunity to train the polar bears to solve puzzles! Occasional secondment to supervise employees breaking rocks and hauling ‘em as part of our runway construction development. Stun gun training provided.

The Hydra (Aquarium)

Description: Tattooing our marine life with Dharma logos, successful candidates will be willing to jump in at the deep end in relation to pressing big yellow buttons (that are red). Ability to make toasted sandwiches and cheeseburgers preferred and intercom repair skills a must. Potential career progression in monitoring animals’ nocturnal sexual activity as part of the surveillance team also available.

The Hydra (Room 23)

Description: Oversee the 'cinema studies' in Room 23 where you will be required to strap 'volunteers' into their seat and provide them with glasses with which to view the specially selected films. Ear plugs provided. Dead bird cleaning duties may be required. God loves you as He loved Jacob.

The Flame

Description: Manning our satellite and communications infrastructure, you will be on-hand to deliver any ad hoc research fulfillments whilst controlling food supply drops and power supplies to The Barracks. Ability to work independently essential. Chess enthusiasts welcome!

The Looking Glass

Description: Two core duties comprise the capture of marine life for use in Dharma studies (harpoon training provided) whilst blocking and unblocking outside communications as and when needed. Ideal candidates will be musically proficient and comfortable in a unisexual environment. Knowledge of hydrostatic dynamics irrelevant.

The Tempest

Description: Much of the core work at The Tempest is confidential so this job description is overtly oblique and lacks necessary information that can explain the full nature of the position. Applicants are advised that main duties include some chemical maintenance and rapid gas deployment studies. HAZMAT clothing provided for candidates concerned about the death of every man, woman and child on the Island, but some vague understanding of computers will be enough for the successful applicant to get by.

The Orchid

Description: Keen gardeners will lend their skills to the upkeep of our greenhouse facility and maintain the growth of our abundant and varied plant life. Be prepared to dig deep! How deep? Deep. Candidates may also occasionally be required for some cold manual donkey labour, potential polar bear wrangling and careful labeling of Dharma's bunny rabbits. Please keep them separate. Impromptu martial arts skills and fluency in Tunisian preferred.

The Temple - For senior Dharma Employees only. Contact Mr. Alpert directly for an application form.

Namaste!