Top 5 Not Hot Women

Not so long back, I compiled my Top 5 women in Lost that I would most like to have some deep and meaningful sexual relations with. Or a quick bang. Whatever. However, in the interests of fairness, I ought to present the alternate view. No, not a Top 5 guys in Lost, you fool! Rather, a Top 5 list of women I would least like to have deep and meaningful sex with.

In compiling this list, I did develop a couple of guidelines. The first was that age should not be a factor. That is, just because a woman is old it’s not right to state that I wouldn’t sleep with her. So that discounts Ms. Hawking, for example, who I am sure was a fine Irish lay before she became an elderly time cop. Same goes for Hurley’s mother. Not so nice now, but I’m sure she was a firecracker back in the day. And even Rose doesn’t make the list for, despite her age and her size, she’s got a pleasant nature and way about her.

Character on Lost counts; I’m not just going off looks. Fact is, within my guidelines, sleeping with Rose would be a damn sight more appealing than sleeping with any of these five horrors of the female variety. Let’s get to it – in chronological order of appearance.

Danielle Rousseau

There can be few situations more horrifying than waking up strapped to a bed in some dark hole of a room. Leering over you there’s some “crazy French chick” talking about how she has not seen or spoken to anyone for sixteen years and longs for human contact. Oh yeah. Sayid knew what Danielle was all about. He knew that she was a woman crazed with a sixteen-year-old horn and a man-rape was imminent unless he got himself out of there. Cleverly he used the ruse of fixing her jewellery box (metaphor alert!) to free himself, and shortly after that he was out of there.

It’s not that Danielle is unattractive, though, to be fair, she’s probably seen better days.

But there’s something very unsexual about Danielle. She’s the opposite of effeminate and sensual. She spends her days setting traps that impale and capture hapless men. She’s got a total black widow vibe going on, and that deep French accent (well, sort of French accent) doesn’t even work for her. I mean, even if I managed to get my dick out of her in one piece what’s to stop her going crazy again and shooting me in the head? She did it to Robert. The bitch has form. I’m steering well clear. Any right-thinking man would do the same.

Charlotte Malkin

On paper she ticks all the right boxes. Young. Long, mousey-blonde hair. Slender build. She’s even got an Australian accent if that kind of thing tickles your ivories. You could do a lot worse, right? If you’re a guy, you probably already have. Anything else you should know about her? Oh, you know, nothing much. . . a little thing, really. . . it’s just that she was once dead and on a mortician’s slab before she abruptly woke up like a banshee from hell and scared the living shit out of the doctor about to cut her insides out.

Call me fussy, but FUCKING a ZOMBIE is not for me. That is all.

Bea Klugh

Probably she’s a lesbian. Not that being a dyke would disqualify her from the list (let’s face it, if Kate and Juliet, during their mudbath fight, had suddenly started stripping off and rubbing each other down in the throes of woman-on-woman passion then that wouldn’t have exactly put me off either of them). But Bea’s got that butch, manly, fundamentalist dyke quality about her that doesn’t float my boat.

That bitch is cold, too. If she’s not holding people at gunpoint she’s got an air about her that suggests she wants to get you at gunpoint as soon as she can. And if she’s not got you at gunpoint she wants to have some intimate chats with you whilst you’re hungry, confused, afraid and tied-up.

God knows what sick mind games she used on Walt. Would I want this woman to be the mother of my children? Not really. Though, in perhaps a sentiment that may be the most profoundly rude one of this piece so far, I think that what Bea Klugh really needs is a good, hard fucking to mellow her out.

I’m not the man for that job, though. Mikhail can do it. Probably he tried to but she didn’t put out. Probably that’s where he lost his eye. Probably that’s why he shot her. Everything comes down to sex, you know.


With her talk of being the self-proclaimed “sheriff” of The Others, there ought to be something alluring about her. I mean, I saw Season 2 of Prison Break where this same actress played some horny-as-hell housewife literally dripping down her own legs with the urge for some solid cock action.

But the difference between that character and Isabel, the difference between the MILF and this hatchet-faced crab of a woman, is bigger than the grand canyon. She ought to have an air of desirability – being a woman in power and all that – but instead she strikes me as a dried-up witch with a smug expression permanently etched on her too-much-make-up face.

You can only assume her vagina is just as cracked and barren.

She’s perfectly unpleasant as an interrogator and potential threat to the likes of Jack and Juliet in the episode she appears in. She is, however, also perfectly unpleasant as a potential candidate for sexual intercourse. I think I’d need a lot of lubricant, a gag in her mouth and a bag over her head to do the deed. And then I’d need to go and bathe in acid afterwards.

Jin’s mother

I saved the best until last, though. In terms of genuinely least-desirable women, Jin’s toothless harridan, prostitute mother totally takes the prize.

So ugly the Lost creators didn’t even give her a name. No wonder she resorted to blackmailing Sun for cash – there’s no way she was making much profit from selling her wares on the streets! I know Koreans like to eat dogs, but I’m not so sure they like to fuck them for money.

I think I would rather have sex with ALL of the other 4 women in this list – even the zombie – before I ventured into relations with Jin's two-bit whore mother. I get the impression that my cock would turn green and rot off shortly after coming into close contact with this sea monster. For her to look this bad surely most of the male population of Korea has been through her at some stage.

What the hell was Jin’s dad playing at getting involved with her!?

Stop grinning, you fool! Where's your fucking pride, man!?


DanX said...

Genius. I prefer your comments here to those on LT, mainly because I'm perfectly happy with swearing, so long as it's funny swearing.

As for fucking a zombie, I would, but only if it was a rage virus-infected zombie from 28 Days (or Weeks - wonder what the next one will be called?) Later. Not because that sort of things turn me on, but simply because of the danger. Hang on, and enjoy (sort of) the ride.

Have to say mind, I'd throw Ana Lucia in there. Genuine twat of a person, and a jaw you could open clams on.

Acharaisthekey said...

How on earth did you forget Locke's mom??? I would replace Bea with Locke's mom on your list...outside of that, I think you nailed it (or didn't...whatever way you want to take that term).

Also, on your top 5 could you forget Gabriela Busoni....

AngeloComet said...

Locke's mom? The delectable Emily Locke? Do you not recall how she looked during the Cabin Fever episode when she was a mere slip of a girl? She was perfectly fine! That she got old is not her fault. . .

As for Gabriela Busoni. I didn't overlook her. She did make the shortlist. The only omittance came was in the collection of images I put together at the end of the post of the girls that didn't quite make the top five. I left Gabriela out of that basically because I couldn't find a good picture of her and couldn't be bothered capturing one from my DVD for what was, basically, just a thumbnail image.

But yeah, point taken: Gabriela was hot to trot.

Acharaisthekey said...

ahh crap, i forgot the young Ms. Locke!!! Point taken, lesson learned... (now humbled)

as for you go

Mingpan said...

"So ugly the Lost creators didn’t even give her a name"